live through this and you won't look back

I am a mind creature

Extremely tired, I have an interview tomorrow, again yes again, I need to get up earlier to read some stuffs regarding the interview. This extreme fatigue is corroding my mind, just read something off the Internet and it hits home. It isn’t easy walking away from the boy you love, it really isn’t. But this is when our mind comes to play, mind over heart. Even if it tears me apart yet again, I got to walk away, it’s probably the bravest thing that I have ever done.

Survive this chole

I miss you so much I am going crazy. So sober so sane. So sober so insane.

tales with no tails

today, broken down into senseless phrases in no chronological order:

into the gutter gutter gutter, where’s professionalism

i think we should escape

took the lift down then up again

realised interviewer was one of the few people walking past the corridor staring at us filling up the form against the wall

into the gutter gutter gutter, are you sure we are 22 year olds

interviewer said to friend, you rolled your eyes i saw you rolling your eyes!

while i turned to her and laughed

i kept poking her thighs with my pen during the interview

while she told me she kept playing with her tongue throughout

interviewer asked, how’s your results, heard it came out last night

we both gave sinister/sarcarstic laughter before i said deadly, my GPA dropped

he exclaimed, woah jialat la

to cut to the chase we were indirectly chased out of the office after an entire time wasting ordeal

which left us too dazed to even decide what’s for dinner

talked to the ex boyfriend. he told me not to swear because he doesn’t like it. but i curse and i swear when we quarrel.

friend must be puzzled as to why we still talk to each other

beats me too

she asked me what if he comes back to you

i asked edwin which university in korea is he gonna have his exchange program at

and he said, should be somewhere near to north korea

he doesn’t remember which part of korea he is going to fly to next semester

my friends are pretty damn chill

he said he would shoot missiles with “target: chole chu” locked on

i may never live till next summer

wild hearts don’t break

i suspect i am a case of schizophrenia.

my mind, this feeling of consistently pushing against the edge into new boundaries of something dangerous, rationality is the only gravity that is keeping me grounded, thus not allowing me to leap rashly into decisions that i would easily succumb if not without this piece of sanity, because i see consequences don’t really matter anymore, ah, consequences will be dealt with at a later time. this would eventually spilt my personality into two.

each day i get to spend more time on the bed. i tried to knock out thoughts by physically knocking on the wall beside my bed, i guess it works only if this action is continuously executed. but then it doesn’t work really if not psychologists will be out of job. to better put it, we all need heavier daily doses of something that keeps us calm every other day… it’s a resistance that our mind develops.

today was just yet another day, starting off with brunch at burger king at 4pm, living it our ‘bum and retard’ way. oUR lyFe rAwwKz.

last night i told him whatever that i HAD to, those unsaid words were literally the boulder that keeps me stagnant. i don’t know, it’s like he’s the first person whom i don’t hide my secrets from, i told him whatever that was on my mind, i typed paragraphs to him like how i would write in diaries - raw feelings. for some strange reason i just needed to let him know all the bottled up feelings because suppressing them was eating me up… i thought i would sound ridiculous reflecting on our relationship on retrospect. but no. for a second i thought he could be my soulmate.

then we began conversing about strange things that borderlines a complicated relationship.

these days i have been experiencing vertigo. bouts of near conscious blackout, i could really use a mental blackout.

i realised it feels like a chore to verbalize anything to people, it’s like i have difficulties trying to string logic and emotions into sentences, they become a derailed train of blabber.

okay i’ve got a false ego to satisfy.